Authors: Stay & Shay
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Dating No No's for Team Hiett
Team Hiett has been on plenty of horribly bad dates to know what we DO NOT want in a man; thus the list below:
1. Do not get sloppy ass drunk, pass out on our couch, piss all over the couch and expect to ever have relations. After a Hiett has unzipped the pissy pillow cushions, her desire to sex you up has mysteriously vanished.
2. If he's playing "F*ck B*itches, Get Money" on the car ride to a restaurant, plan an escape route.
3. Do not show up for a date with a Hiett drunk, forcing us to drive, then lose the keys to your vehicle and call your WIFE to have AAA to come unlock your car, and then have said wife call the Hiett the next day to inform you that her husband will no longer be talking to the Hiett, then you text the Hiett later that day to see "what's good". What's good is my stiletto up your ass.
4. However many children he says he has, times it by 2.
5. Crying is precious, once or twice when a really sentimental moment warrants the tears. Crying every time I see you and talk to you on the phone just gets old. Team Hiett is not here to wipe your tears, save that for your mother.
6. Fellas, if you are watching a movie with a Hiett, don't tell her how hot you think the actress is.
7. If you call a Hiett and she doesn't answer, then you text the Hiett and she still doesn't answer, then you Facebook message a Hiett and she continues to deny you a response, then you call the sister Hiett in an effort to get in touch with your Hiett and the sister Hiett doesn't answer; take the damn hint. Your Hiett doesn't want to talk to you right now. Save the smoke signals and pigeon messages and wait for a return call, text, or FB message.
8. Do not brag about how much money you may or may not be making. We also would really appreciate that you don't grab the cash out of the Hiett's hand before she can even finish offering to pay for her half. It's kinda, sorta unbecoming.
9. Do not be late. If you're late, have a good excuse, not that you had to find another pair of pants because you weren't satisfied with the ones you were wearing. Lame.
10. Do not show up for a date and talk the entire time about yourself and not ask the Hiett any questions or show any interest in her life at all. Go to a bar and talk to a bartender. She gets paid to listen to your self-righteous ass.
11. Do not show up for a date and not talk at all or give one word answers to the questions a Hiett asks, then as soon as we leave, email the Hiett offering to pay good money to pleasure her with your tongue. Obviously your tongue isn't any good for talking, why would it be good for anything else?
12. Be good to the sister Hiett. She'll determine the length of your courtship with your Hiett.
Ladies, if you have more No No's you'd like to add to the list, please feel free to do so in the comments below.
Authors: Stay & Shay